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Pokemon Go, you hoodwinked us.

What the heck Niantic? We all had a good deal going on here!!! All of us would choose between 3 gaming consoles and we would live out our lives in relative shelter in our basements or gaming rooms. Who the heck are you to upset the natural order of things? You come out with this Pokemon Go app that anyone can get on their mobile device and…and…you give it away for free? Are you mad?

It started off cute, I downloaded it and within a few minutes I had my first Pokemon. It was really neato! But no, that wasn’t enough for you Niantic. In order for me to catch more, I had to move around. Why should I do this? Why couldn’t you just include some micro-transactions so that way I could just drop obscene amounts of money and buy a virtual MewTwo and be the envy of my friends who would, uuuh, laugh behind my back that I spent $100 dollars or more to do this. Why are you making me do stuff?

Still, it wasn’t enough, you required even more from us. You actually made us go OUTSIDE! Who makes people go outside and for free no less? You mean to tell me that, for something that you gave me for free, not only are you requiring me to move around to catch Pokemon, you are forcing me to go outside? In that place where fresh air and sunlight is? Come on, Niantic what are you playing at?

So I played along with this, even grabbing one of my other adult friends and shockingly, he’s hooked too. Oh, what, you wanted me to travel some distance to hatch an egg. That should be easy as I had a 20-mile drive and with that, I could hatch a few eggs but no, you foiled me again. You actually required me to walk or jog at an acceptable speed in order to properly nurture my egg. Dude, COME ON!! This is not Tamagochi!!! We did get a kick at how fast our avatar could run as my car did 60+ MPH.

But still you were not done with us. You wanted us to go to poke-stops to get stuff and obediently we did. At one point my friend and I nearly walked a quarter mile in a shopping mall before we realized what you were pulling. We also noted that oddly enough, a lot of these stops happened to be at churches large and small. Wow, I can only imagine how crowded churches will be because the faithful will have their prayers answered every five minutes. As my friend said, some of these poor souls will be going to hell but it’s funny at the same time.

But, I don’t like these crashes Niantic. I didn’t like that several times I caught pokemon, you crashed on me and once I rebooted, the servers were down. I lost a Meowth over that. I also lost some incense and a few eggs. As an entitled consumer who is playing your game that you gave us for free, not only do I fully expect that you replace my items right away but update this app as soon as possible so I can have a better experience. I even started a Facebook group so that others close to me can come together and talk about this game.

I am so gosh darned angry that you actually made my dog and I take a walk yesterday to find even more pokemon. We walked nearly two miles, which is a mile more than we normally go. When we came home we were both tired and very, very sore and we both drank water.   Water is not normal when I am used to ginger ales and adult beverages!

There was a certain joy however when I woke up this morning and immediately found a Venomoth with kind of made up for the Meowth that you lost for me yesterday. Also, how dare you put a gym near my house! How dare you create a place where I would actually have to go out and meet people and play with them! I already stated that I have consoles for that, and I am an anti-social gamer. Not only did I actively go out and seek this gym, but I had to walk all of the way around a building to do so, because on Sundays, it’s locked and I very well can’t break into this building to take a short cut nor did you see fit Niantic, to make it so that regardless of how far I was, I actually had to WALK to this place to call it up on my phone. Oh, by the way did I tell you that this app is a battery hog? Are you all in cahoots with Morphie and other companies that make extended batteries so we all can share in the joy of this buggy game that you gave us for free without IAPs? I get it, you all aren’t in the business of making money like the makers of Angry Birds were. Now that was a game, I didn’t have to leave my couch for.

I am also salty at the fact that I really looked forward to riding my bike as I thought it would help hatch my eggs and they hatched but I missed taking a gym because my phone couldn’t get a signal! Dang it!   I rarely use my phone on a bike that I rarely use! Even with all of that you still were not finished with me.   After learning about leg muscles I forgot that I had, when I came home I rode my bike about another mile or so and caught a few more Pokemon including a Staryu. Luckily I was really paying attention and did not get hit by cars. This was probably due to the fact that for safety’s sake I rode on the sidewalk the whole ride. What was scary though was I was in a parking lot catching one of the many Pidgeys that appeared and someone got kind of nervous because I looked like I was taking pictures of private property. I explained to them what I was doing and next thing I know, they were playing too. Did I also mention how envious that some of my friends are on higher levels than I because somehow they got more exercise that I and managed to catch more Pokemon? We won’t even discussed how I managed to catch one on the can.

The rest of my day I spent walking around my area a few times, catching more Pokemon, evolving a few and cursing your name under my breath. I put my Apple Watch to good use and saw that I burnt off nearly 1000 calories today and somehow I plan on doing this foolishness tomorrow. I am so angry at the very idea I plan on hitting a few landmarks in DC to see what I could find. I am very peeved that I will plot with friends who I have to see in person to accomplish this. What’s worse is that you gave us an app that will have us all look like weirdos while chasing after virtual monsters.

Niantic, I don’t think you understand the magnitude of what you have done to us.  Do you really think that people will really go outside and socialize? I have all of the friends I need on Facebook and Twitter, why would I want to make new ones and have to see them in person?  I just can’t understand why you think something like this will be successful and worse, how much more successful it can be when you fix the bugs and add such things as trading and possibly a better way to locate Pokemon.  God forbid people actually will pay attention to your “Be Careful” warning.

Someone named Matthew even wanted to know where are the endorsement deals? Where are the in game ads? Doritos and Mountain Dew wouldn’t pony up the cash for blatant and obtrusive produce placement? What’s next? No DLC or forced pre-buy gimmicks that get plugged more than the game itself? Don’t they understand the “real gamers” are their true market to be catered to? Madness I tell you. MADNESS! I even found out that this game is actually bringing families TOGETHER for quality time and EXERCISE!! There are even kids teaching their parents about Pokemon when they usually would be using all of their time to get as far from them as they possibly could! Why oh why are you bringing us all together?

I am so angry at what you have done to convince us all to take our collective butts outside and move that the only thing I can say is “Well played, Niantic…well played.”

About Armand (1273 Articles)
Armand is a husband, father, and life long comics fan. A devoted fan of Batman and the Valiant Universe he loves writing for PCU, when he's not running his mouth on the PCU podcast. You can follow him on Twitter @armandmhill

8 Comments on Pokemon Go, you hoodwinked us.

  1. *slow clap.* Bravo sir. My hat off to you. That was brilliant.


  2. Reblogged this on The Adventures of Fort Gaskin-Burr and commented:



  3. Reblogged this on sargestamps and commented:

    Yeah. Me too… I wouldn’t drop mad amours of cash though. This is my first Pokemon game.


  4. Reblogged this on Zoom Goes and commented:
    When it gets in released in Japan…I will be pissed too 😉


  5. Reblogged this on The Digital Gypsy Girl and commented:
    This is exactly how it is. Goodness!


  6. Reblogged this on Webster Style Magazine and commented:

    Because you know you want to play!


  7. Obviously you haven’t gone to the “store” in the game, where you spend REAL money on game gold (since you can only earn 10gold per gym you own, when you click the shield icon, once every 21 hrs). You spend the gold for cool things like extended backpack space, pokemon storage, LURES! and incense, plus much more. That’s how N makes its money.

    Liked by 1 person

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