All the news that’s fit to drink to.

Everywhere you turn these days it’s just one incredibly depressing or infuriating news story after another. That’s no way to start your weekend, so here is a collection of some of the weirdest news of the week:

• America! F*** YEAH!

Make America (Natural) Gas Again? Okay, sure. Freedom fries/toast is so 2003…

• Go Ninja! Go Ninja! GO!

I know where I’m taking my wife for our next anniversary. Now I need her to get her April O’Neil cosplay outfit.

(FYI – do not Google Image Search “April O’Neil Cosplay” at work without the safe search filter on unless you want to not have a job anymore.)

• Obligatory Florida Link

I wish Igloo had refused to recall these because honestly we could stand to thin the herd a little bit.

• Put Me In, Coach

50 Cent has a little competition.

• Excuse Me, I Need To Go Buy Some Air Pods

 

This is some real life Wes Craven movie stuff right here.

Apparently it’s cold right before you die

• Maybe You Could Just Read A Book?

If there are any teachers reading this please do the world a favor and DO NOT DO ANYTHING REMOTELY RELATED TO THIS IN ANY WAY. If a thought like this pops into your head and you think “yeah, I should do that” bang your head against a brick wall until it goes away.

• I’m Just Big Boned!

It’s like an Elizabethan-aged anti-vax movement, only it moves a lot slower.

• Do You Have This Shirt In “Big Guy” Size?

This shirt is the official shirt of TWA (Toddlers with Attitude).

I’ll pop a nap in your ass

• You Can Pick Your Friends, But…

In news that should surprise no one: people are horrible.

As if I needed another reason to order pizza tonight…

• The Revenge Of Octo-Mom

All hail The Oatmeal

These kids ran the table until Scripps ran out of words. Learn their names now because in 20 years they will be YOUR kids bosses.

• BYOTP

We miss you, Gary Larson

I’m all about quirky house designs but maybe keep the bathroom out of your flights of fancy, mmm-kay?

• This Is The News I Need

As a rule I will try to end this weekly exercise with something uplifting or at least not totally freaking weird. In this case I’m going with uplifting for our wallets. With so many other things getting more expensive dollar bourbon is most likely in my near future.

If you have any fun/weird/why are we like this news please share it with me in the comments or email me at dropthree@gmail.com – and have a weekend so great it makes this article next week!