PCU has recently come into possession of leaked plot details for a yet-to-be-announced game, and we have decided that you, dear readers, deserve to know what’s on the horizon. An employee of an unnamed developer has gotten these details to us about this game, and it looks like the next big hit. The working title? Codename: Cheetolini.
The details – while incomplete – seem to denote that the story will revolve around a shadowy foreign government which, through the use of blackmail, the hacking of an election, and the stroking of a businessman’s (already inflated) ego, seeks to install a mole into the highest level of the United States government. Their goal of complete authoritarian world domination must be stopped at all costs!
Aside from the shadowy foreign power, the direct antagonist of the game is rumored to be the aforementioned businessman who has risen to outlandish wealth through shady business deals, corruption, misogyny, and a general disdain for anyone who is not a sycophant. In his bid for political power, the businessman makes a habit to insult those different from him, and in turn garners support from large portions of the lesser-educated and cruel-hearted segments of the population. Once he has gained the position of power he was promised by the foreign government, the businessman (now a world leader) goes about discrediting the media and attempting to censor the agencies under his rule. However, the leader is not without his weaknesses.. He’s prone to social media tantrums, has a history of lecherous activities against women, and a lack of even 5th grade literacy. It will be up to the player to learn how to exploit those.
Speaking of the player, PCU has learned that gamers will assume the role of a former government scientist, now settled into a life as a national park ranger. Upon hearing of the infiltration from his former associates, the ranger must take it upon himself to fight his way through a sea of misinformation, “alternative facts”, and leader-worshiping street gangs sporting terrible hairdos and overwhelming amounts of skin bronzer. The ranger will have to use all of his wits, intelligence, and empathy for his fellow man in order to bring down the shadow government and their orange-hued puppet.
When asked about the prospects of this game, the developer who risked his job to get us this information had this to say:
“We think that this adventure will be something fun for folks of all ages to play. Parents will be also able to sit their children down in front of this game for hours, while they have a stiff drink and take their minds off of the looming shadow of World War III. Codename: Cheetolini has got a lot of deep gameplay elements, detailed graphics, a story that’s almost too outlandish to believe, and even foul language. Wait, the kids like that stuff, right? Anyway, it’ll be the best game. A tremendous game, and a huge” (pronounced ‘yooj’ for some reason) “success. Trust me.”
No release date has been announced for Codename: Cheetolini, but we have been informed that it will retail for the low price of your constitutional rights.