The CW’s new show, Riverdale premiered last night, and a few of us actually sat down to watch it. If you follow us on Twitter, you would have seen three of us (Belle, Adam, and myself) as we live-tweeted our rage at how the showrunners basically stomped & defecated on one of our childhood favorites.

I basically cut my teeth on Archie comics. The stories of the Riverdale gang were my go-to before I discovered things like X-Men, Deadpool, and so on. I knew every character’s story, and could identify with portions of each one. These characters were NOT the Riverdale gang! Let’s take a moment to examine them, shall we? Spoilers for the premiere episode ahead:

• Archie (J. Apa) was turned into what basically amounted to a hipster musician with poorly dyed red hair, and a serious chip on his shoulder.
• Betty (Lili Reinhart) was on Adderall, presumably because her mother didn’t like her being an individual (there’s a whole scene about this in the premiere episode).
• Reggie (Ross Butler) was turned into the “gay best friend” trope, and the character’s whole “holier than thou” persona from the comics was completely retconned.
• Veronica (Camila Mendes) retained the character’s assertiveness, but there was no rivalry between her & Betty. Within the first episode, she also destroyed the “love triangle” that fans of the comic have come to see as a mainstay (she also used “Archiekins” as a sarcastic term).
• Josie & the Pussycats were a bad 90s-style soul music band, with their individual personalities having been stripped out.
• Ms. Grundy (Sarah Habel) was a 20-something, Julliard-trained music teacher, who slept with one of the students at Riverdale High. Yes, the same Ms. Grundy who is supposed to be a septuagenarian!
• When Jughead (Cole Sprouse) was introduced, it turns out that he has been the narrator, and that the plot of this series is something about which he is blogging. There was also not ONE hamburger in front of him!

Characters notwithstanding, there was SO MUCH MORE that was just wrong about this show. WHY is it centered on a murder in Riverdale? WHY does everyone in the gang (and the extended characters) seem to have some SERIOUS mental, emotional, or psychological issues?

I just can’t with Riverdale. What would tell ANYONE that taking the fun, comedic story of Archie Comics & turning it into what we saw on The CW last night was ANY kind of a good plan? Did the creators just get together one day and decide, ‘Hey, I’ve got a great idea. You know Archie Comics? Everyone loves them, right? But what’s the worst thing about Archie & the gang? That’s right, the wholesome, funny, relatable characters! And that storyline? The madcap adventures? Let’s get rid of all of that, and make this a show about tortured teens in a town with a murder mystery!’
NOOOOPE.

I truly hated this show, and won’t be watching again.

1 out of 5 bad dye jobs.