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Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Review

by Kalia Foote

**BEWARE THERE ARE SPOILERS BELOW!!

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“The Bewildering Tales of April O’Neal”

This is a better title for the new reboot for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I imagine that Michael Bay (who served as executive producer) and Megan Fox buried the “Hitler” hatchet by concocting a star vehicle for her Bay-ish beauty and addled emoting by destroying yet another beloved set of characters from my childhood.

Jonathan Liebesman who directed this vehicle, was apparently thwarted (possibly by Michael Bay)  in his attempts to make my Turtles alien monsters who become amazing ninjas by reducing them to science experiments gone wrong and turning April from the reporter who keeps their secret and into a weird mother figure. We spend entirely too much time with her, learning about her personal damage and ogling her symmetrical face for minutes on end.

As April runs into danger to prove her crime reporter skills, she loudly follows the baffling non-ninja Foot Clan, lead by the aesthetically unpleasant Shredder who has no honor. He just wants to make money and kill everyone in New York. But April and, only because of the title, our beloved four Turtles are there to save the day.

Our titular heroes appear about half way through this piece of hot celluloid nonsense. The motion capture techniques used to record body movements and facial expressions have definitely been used to greater effect in almost every other movie in the last five years. And the moment you’ve seen in the trailer where Mikey removes his mask is kinda uncomfortable… these guys are NOT cute. Somehow, Liebesman manages to remove the charm of the cartoons and the original live action movie almost altogether.

I know that it sounds like I didn’t enjoy this premiere viewing. In fact, that is not true. I had a blast. Will Arnett and Megan were in attendance and they gave some very tired addresses to the audience. I got a Donatello mask and my friend picked up Mikey’s orange swag. Then we waited for the 3D experience to begin.

If you can say nothing good about Jonathan Liebesman’s style, you must admit that he knows how to blow stuff up real good…kind of like his executive producer. Things go BANG, and ZAP, and POW all over the screen. Shredder gets a smart suit that brings in bits of Edward Scissorhands and Wolverine. Everyone is just talented enough to dodge falling avalanches, moving trains and lesser ninjas. The absurdity of it all ratchets up until your eyes can’t believe the next thing that happens, including the back story for Leo, Donny, Raph, and Mikey – who we barely get to know. The promised sequels may help in that regard, but if Mr. Bay has his way, he believes the pretty girls should be what his story is about.

I won’t watch it again, but I needed to see it. I suggest you wait for a matinee, because this won’t translate well to the smaller screen.

2.5 out of 5 stars

 

Follow Kalia  on twitter @dahappyspinster.

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About Armand (1270 Articles)
Armand is a husband, father, and life long comics fan. A devoted fan of Batman and the Valiant Universe he loves writing for PCU, when he's not running his mouth on the PCU podcast. You can follow him on Twitter @armandmhill
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