2 days into “the holiday season” and I’m ready for it to be over.

If you’re reading this you survived Thanksgiving (or you are a poltergeist looking over someone’s shoulder because you have a lot of eternity to waste browsing the internet). Either way you could probably use a heaping dose of insanity to wash down that sweet potato pie with. So here we go…

• This is what happens when your religion doesn’t let you have caffeine.

• There’s a reason restaurants don’t offer pork tartare.

• Yes I would like a 3rd serving of mashed potatoes. I am honoring my ancestor Zog.

• I started at the bottom and I’m still here.

• This is not my beautiful house. This is not my beautiful towel.

• I might not have a pistol but I have THESE GUNS.

• Sounds like he had a good reason to steal the firetruck.

• Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy. Sunshine on my butthole makes me smile…

• Siri, can you describe Florida in one headline?

Okay. Now go dig into your leftovers with a cleansed mind. And if you start feeling down again just sunbathe your bunghole.

If you see anything WTF-worthy please hit me up in the comments below or find me on Twitter at @arrpeebee – and until next week keep it weird AF.