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The Adventures of a Robotic Cowboy Space Wizard (A Destiny 2 Review)

So it’s my first day as a Guardian and I have to choose how I want to go about guardianing. My class choices are Titans, the masters of resilience which makes them the foremost experts in being shot. Hunters, who are caped scouts that specialize in mobility the adepts of being not shot. Or, Warlocks, wielding the secret arts from another time and age they rely on recovery in order to be unshot. Considering that I am neither brave nor particularly skilled, coupled with the fact that a willingness to be constantly shot at is a requirement for the job, I went with the getting unshot option i.e. Warlock. Plus, I would look good in some grimdark robes while I exploded orbs of universal secrets in the faces of my enemies.


Next, I had to decide what race I wanted to be. My choices included: human, pallet swapped human and robotic badass. The title should indicate which direction I decided to take. Then it was time to pick a face. The process was pretty straight forward; with a handful of faces to choose from along with face accessories, exoskeleton color, eye and mouth LED color and a few special face markings, 45 minutes later this purple (with pink accents) robot space wizard was ready to being his first day as a Guardian.

D2 Face Select

The first order of business, putting on a helmet with no options to remove it during battle, making all the time spent crafting a unique persona essentially a waste. “But, Kurty helmets are important, especially if you’re going to be shot at… A lot.” Some may cry. Normally, this would be a valid point, but one perk of being a Guardian, aside from magical space powers, is that that The Traveler granted you the gift of immortality. So safety regulations can go suck eggs.

Finally, we start day one on the job, my sassy floating eye partner nags about my driving habits and home base is being assaulted by some big bads. It’s time for this immortal space wizard to do jobs. You’d think there would be some kind of thorough introduction or a tutorial on your first day, but nope just lots of thick aliens breaking not immortal robots and a pistol full of “can do”. The shooting is pretty solid and the bad guys fall with a reasonable amount of bullets to the face. Unlike my stint as a Division agent where 200 rounds of machine gun bullets to the head wasn’t enough to bring down your average thug.

D2 leaders

Along the way I end up meeting my 3 bosses, though only Nathan Fillion-bot has this thing called “personality”. Despite the fact that they are the best equipped and most experienced, it’s decided that I should single-handedly storm the big bad’s mother ship and try to destroy it. In retrospect, they were probably just hazing the new guy. Turns out I’m pretty fantastic and take down the mother ship (being immortal helps) and I get face time with leader of the big bads who turns off my sassy floating eye partner and takes away my biggest job perk, immortality, before kicking me off his mother ship. Mondays, am I right?

Ghaul Kick

Despite now being un-immortal, apparently one of my soft skills is being able to fall from the lower atmosphere and not die. Maybe I was lucky that there was concrete and rubble to break my fall, or perhaps it was because I was hearing a helmet? Either way, I find my now less sassy floating eye partner and crawl out of the city wearing nothing but tattered armor. A cut scene later, it seems like a good idea to follow a random hawk because… reasons? Along the way we come across a camp of unalive guardians “who didn’t stand a chance without their powers” because apparently, losing your immortality takes away your ability to operate fire arms.



So I help myself to a submachine gun, but for some reason decide not to touch the several suits of unused armor that are just lying around and fight my way in the direction the hawk is heading. Eventually, I catch up to it and meet Hawthorne (the person) and Louise (the hawk) despite the mismatched names they seem on the level and I follow them to Europe.


Following the pair turns out to be a good play because 15 minutes later I’m immortal again. However, it turns out I am the only Guardian to regain their immortality. Well, me and GokuSephiroth, and XxxBatmanxxX, and TheSofaKing420, and… Okay, maybe it’s not as unique as I thought, but everyone treats me like I’m the only one so I go with it. Before going off on missions only I can do, I throw down some glimmer on new gear and replace said gear a few minutes later. Luckily, one of the upgrades is a hand cannon, officially making me a robotic cowboy space wizard™. All the guns handle a bit differently, but the hand cannon is my weapon of choice, its got a satisfying pop and I like only needing to use one or two bullets to the head to put down alien thickies.


So far, things are going great! There’s plenty of work to do with missions and frequent public events that bring people together offering a decent payout. What’s also pretty awesome is that there’s a lot less “stand here and fight off waves of bad guys” quests. Though my sassy floating eye partner always seems to get a task done in the exact amount of time it takes for me to empty a room of bad things. Most puzzles and problems are solved by putting bullets into it. I have a clear understanding of what’s going on and why I’m doing it. Though, of course the reasoning of some people boggles my mind. Such as, why people who fear their now mortal status think it’s a good idea to set up a base on a planet that it literally nothing but pitfalls into electrified murder water.


And that’s where I learned jumping works differently for each class. While most everyone else can double jump like normal (or triple jump if you’re a hunter), Warlocks are a bit different. You need to jump twice at the start to shoot up extra high and float down. Luckily, I had a friend along to constantly revive me as I valiantly faced my fiercest enemy, gravity. Which is odd considering I kicked gravity’s butt pretty hard in the beginning, when the big bad pushed me off his ride.

D2 Friends

Speaking of friends, while I enjoyed my time running solo, missions are way more fun when you bring a friend. Aside from playing grab-ass and having an extra gun at your back, utilizing a variety of abilities made fire fights more manageable. Having a Titan friend throw down a shield wall while I place a healing circle turned a lot of sticky situations to our favor. I feel a little bad for hunters because all they get is a Mccree dodge-reload. Though friendships can seem a bit impersonal considering that I have no idea what my friends actually look like. Far as I can tell she’s just a black and purple spiked murder machine, while I’m a teal terror, despite expecting to be grimdark. I take her word that she’s Awoken, but I’m not 100% sure because we can’t take our helmets off.

Teal Terror

Overall, I’ve been having a lot of fun. If anyone else is the sort who likes to save the universe, catch some breathtaking visuals, enjoys pitched gun fights, collecting mountains of loot, or wants in on a good story set to an amazing sound track. Then, you can’t go wrong with Destiny 2. Overall, I’d rate this game as a purple drop, if you pick it up you won’t be disappointed.

4 out of 5 piles of glimmer

About Kurtis Bolk (13 Articles)
An advocate for speaking in third person, a Kurty likes to do Kurty-like things, which is usually nerd stuff, such as video games, cosplay, tabletop RPGs, comics, cartoons, etc. and etc. Though he is kinda the most in love with words. What started as a Tinder hookup somehow got seriously for-reals. So now he likes doing all the things with words, usually involving writing them down and forcing people to read them.
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