::Incoherent fangirl screaming:::

Before we get to the thing, you know the thing, that happened we’ve got to talk about Uncle Crazy Pants aka Euron Greyjoy. Guys, I hate to say it but…..I friggin’ love Euron. With each iteration of EffBoi on this show they ramp up the crazy and the competence. Joffrey was a sadistic little shite but he was incompetent: he couldn’t fight, he couldn’t plan, he was useless beyond being a bully with money and power (a little too real world tbh). Ramsey was a damn good fighter and a pretty good planner but he couldn’t get past himself long enough to do the kind of damage he was capable of, too busy getting his rocks off hurting everyone around him and assuming no one would ever fight back. This combined with his unwillingness to get down in the muck with his soldiers was his downfall. If he could’ve simply been kind to Sansa, even if he didn’t mean it, he would probably be alive right now. Then there’s Euron. Hyper competent, terrifyingly so, in every way, he’s charismatic, inspiring, and very, very, willing to get in the thick of it with his men. He’s exactly the kind of commander that Cersei needs, much to Jamie’s dismay, because he doesn’t just talk the talk, he walks the walk: bringing Cersei the one thing she wants more than being Queen: Ellaria Sand and her brood of bitches. Well, one of them anyway.

In one of the most genuinely upsetting and disturbing scenes of the show Cersei gets her well earned revenge for Myrcella’s murder. Lena Headey and Indira Varma give award winning performances as two women who, in another life, would’ve (should’ve) been the best of friends but due to past circumstances and present enmity have done nothing but viciously hurt each other. It’s brutal to watch and yet so well done you can’t look away.

Speaking of revenge, the conquest of Highgarden is short, sweet and to the point, as it should be since the Tyrells, with the exception of Loras, weren’t exactly known for their fighting prowess. However, it’s a Pyrrhic victory for Jamie (and Cersei), which he finds out when he and Olenna sit down to have some real talk. Olenna tries, even in her last moments, to talk some sense into Jamie, warning him that Cersei will literally be the death of him. Jamie basically admits he already knows this and has pretty much given up having any kind of life outside of Cersei (sorry Jamie/Brienne shippers). Once Olenna realizes there’s no hope for him, and after she’s drank the poison he gives her like a boss, she drops the hammer telling Jamie what we all knew: that she’s the one who killed Joffrey. In another scene that will go down as one of the best acted on the show Olenna lays it all out for Jamie while he stands there utterly flabbergasted and knowing that he can’t do a damn thing about it because Olenna is already dead. The Queen of Thorns will forever be the HBIC.

It has arrived, the moment we’ve all been waiting for: Jon, Dany and Tyrion are finally together. Everything about the meeting on Dragonstone is what I hoped it would be: from Tyrion and Jon’s initial greeting to each other, to Missandei being grandiose about who Dany is and Davos’ hilarious reaction to all of Dany’s titles, to the tension between Varys and Melisandre as they watch from the sidelines. The intensity of the scenes between everyone is real and so wonderfully shot and thought out it’s hard to express what was my favorite moment but I think it has to be Jon’s utter refusal to bend the knee or put up with Dany’s shite. For all that Dany has been through and done she’s still has entitlement issues and Jon is absolutely not here for it. Even if the Whitewalkers weren’t coming Jon, rightly, calls Dany out on demanding his loyalty after the shite her father (cough::his grandfather::cough) did to his grandfather and uncle. Dany tries to pull the, ‘The Starks and Targaryens have always been allies’ card and also tries to guilt him about Robert trying to kill her and implying that Ned was okay with it and Jon’s like, ‘Nope. Don’t care. We’re all going to die and I’m not here to participate in your bullshite war so either help me stop the Whitewalkers or let me go dafuq home.’ It’s awesome because it shows how utterly different their leadership styles are: Dany demands respect via fire and blood. Jon earns it through action and compassion. It shows how well these two will balance each other when, if, they all survive The Long Night.

Maester’s Notes:

• • The Lannisters tried to take out the Targaryen and Stark Houses and managed, in the long run, to not only ruin their own house but strengthen the other two.
  • Much like the Lannisters, the Faux!Snakes were so consumed with revenge that they pretty much ended their own house and with the murder of Doran and Trystane there are only the children of the house: Sarella, Elia, Obella, Dorea and Loreza left (at least in the show universe). Hopefully they’ll be smarter than their mother and sisters.
  • The Iron Bank does not give any effs about this war. They’re not here for the revolution they are here to get paid.
  • Dany needs to have a sit down with Varys before she starts trying to throw shade at Ned because if it weren’t for Ned she (and Jon) wouldn’t be alive right now even if she doesn’t know it, but Varys damn well does.
  • Did you guys realize it was Rhaegal (named after Jon’s actual father) who flew over Jon?

This episode was just glorious from start to finish as loose ends were tied up, alliances shifted and Ice and Fire finally met. Five Brooding Stares out of Five.