I am not a Game of Thrones fan. I watched Season One last year when I was bedridden with the flu. I then watched four episodes of Season Two before giving up. I randomly watched the last three episodes of Season Four with a friend, not long after the season ended. That is the entirety of my Game of Thrones experience. For some reason, the show failed to hook me like it has so many others. It feels like an overstuffed and over-seasoned turkey of a show, with too many things happening at every turn to too many characters, peppered in among the blood and boobs.

So, as you can imagine, settling down to watch the season premiere last night was a little less exciting for me than it was for most others. By the end of the show, I was even less enthused. Frankly, it didn’t feel like a proper Game of Thrones episode. Before I begin, allow me to throw in a spoiler warning.

Hey, guess what? SPOILERS BELOW.

>
>
>
>
>

The episode starts with a flashback to Cersei’s childhood. While Game of Thrones turns toward the odd occasionally, I’ve not seen it make use of flashbacks before. It was also an odd moment and seemed out of place. Certainly, Cersei was reminded of that moment on her way to her father’s funeral service (if you recall, he was killed by Tyrion), but all-in-all, it felt a bit out of place and unimportant. Later, Cersei receives a visit from a person that I probably should have recognized, but most certainly did not. Either way, I think he’ll probably return to cause some trouble as he’s found religion and seems very interested in saving Cersei’s soul. Or something.

Next we meet up with Tyrion, who has escaped to safety with Varys’ assistance. I don’t really understand what Varys did in Kings Landing, or why he was permitted to be around powerful people, but he was definitely the tricky, manipulative sort. But, here, we have Varys postulating dreams of a better future for Westeros and the chance to save the seven kingdoms like some naïve college freshman who just sat through his first political science class.   It didn’t fit with what I knew of the character and honestly felt rather cheesy.

Sansa Stark makes an appearance with Littlefinger (no idea what his real name is), although I had no idea what was going on except that the two boys in the scene were absolutely awful at sword-fighting. Littlefinger then takes Sansa away to protect her from Cersei, or so he says. Sansa has grown cold from the looks of things and I got the feeling that Littlefinger was grooming her to take after him (i.e.: being super manipulative and untrustworthy.

Brienne of Tarth shows up, with some boy who claims to be her squire. I have no idea what her purpose is, but it was cool watching her kill the Hound at the end of Season Four.

Daenerys is struggling to be a benevolent queen to recently freed slaves and their former masters. She’s lost one dragon and then locked up the other two, so, like any animal or child, now they hate her because she abandoned them. She’s sleeping with somebody new, although I have no idea who he is, so I am left wondering if he is trying to manipulate her. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in watching this show, it’s that nobody can be trusted.

Finally, there’s Jon Snow. His storyline was a major part of the episode and contained dialogue, some brooding and some more dialogue. Once you get prepared for some good old-fashioned graphic gore (somebody was being burned alive), Jon Snow ruined it. He’ll probably regret that for several episodes to come. Stannis Baratheon is still being followed around by the crazy red-headed woman who isn’t so red-headed anymore (but still just as crazy).

Overall, the episode did what it meant to: remind you all of where we left off and set up future episodes. At five seasons in, the show can afford to have episodes without much action. But for the uninitiated (or semi-initiated like me) the episode was a bore. While I wouldn’t normally continue watching, my roommates are big fans, so I’ll be back next week, just as confused as ever.

As always, lots of people die in Game of Thrones, so here are my predictions for this season:

1. A Stark dies. This isn’t all that exciting, as Starks die a lot. My guess is one of the girls, Sansa or Arya. Sansa will be going through a lot of character development this year, so she’ll be ripe for the killing. Arya is too much of a fan favorite and Bran’s storyline isn’t quite developed enough yet to kill him off. I’d love to see Jon Snow die, but I think he’s here for the long haul.
2. Tyrion dies. He’s been our favorite cynical scoundrel the entire time and now that he’s considering joining Varys and “saving” Westeros, he’ll be punished for trying to do something good for once. He’s escaped death a few too many times, I think. If he doesn’t die, then Varys probably will.
3. We’ll see more dragons. Maybe dragon vs. dragon as Daenerys tries to regain control over them and find the lost one?
4. Cersei will be a major part of the story this season. We all know her for her epic sourpuss face and manipulative prowess, but I think we’ll learn more about her and how she ticks. She won’t die yet, but you know it’ll be epic when she does.
5. Winter will FINALLY come, but not until the last minute of the final episode of the season. Because what purpose does the show have if not to torture its fans?