By Kalia Foote

Clearly, in Shonda-land, being crazy with your partner is what constitutes Real Love.  I’m glad I don’t live in Shonda-land, barring running into prolific assassin Jake Foley, but it sure is fun to watch.  So lets get into this Gladiators!

We open the episode with Olivia and Jake going for a lovely run in the park. They may no longer be standing in the sun, but they sure are running in it. Jake wants a life and won’t find that being Liv’s kept man.  So he’s moving out and into a hotel down the street.  Oh, and he accepts booty calls.  Where exactly is the sign in sheet for THAT?!  He leaves her because it’s time for Liv and Cyrus on the secret bench. The toupee is back. But the Devil Lite isnt above blackmailing his friends.  Are Cyrus and Liv still friends? Because he’s hurt she didn’t call him when she got back into town.  But he needs something from her; help with the President’s State of the Union speech.  But OPA doesn’t exist and she is no longer helping the White House.  WAAAAAY too much history there and Sexy Jakey is waiting on her booty call.  Of course she will do it.  Its the inevitable result of sitting on the Secret Story Bench. Someone who really wanted answers should bug that bench.

Why is no one discussing the TOUPEE!!!

The weekly guest stars are Mary McCormack – who has apparently undone the bad plastic surgery done on her face and Josh Randall.  They are playing Lisa and James Elliott aka Crazy Couple #2, who Cyrus needs at the State of the Union in to shed light on Fitz’s gun control initiative. Liv gets to their home and breaks up an attack with a fire extinguisher. Lisa became a paralyzed celebrity for helping kids during an attack on a school reminiscent of Sandy Hook. James was tortured by the Taliban and is an American hero.  They hate each other. This is very entertaining and is very thin line between love and hate. “The Taliban is better than you!!!”, yells James.

Eyebrows is back with VP Andrew.  She wants the Prez and not this person who’s job is to “Stand and Clap!”.

Eyebrows: where is the president?

Cyrus: Busy.

Fitz is busy taking crazy Ugg lady, I mean Mellie, to the cemetery to visit her son’s grave. Very sweet. No one can know she’s crazy with grief, so obviously EVERYONE will know. Dumbledore was right about EVERYTHING. (if you don’t get that reference, I can’t help you).  We have confirmation on Crazy Couple #1.

As expected, someone snapped photos of the FLOTUS being in crazy Uggs in a cemetery. Has the first lady been diagnosed, its all over the news and the pundits are jabbering. Abby is awesome as the press secretary, but not as awesome as Liv and she knows it. You see her hesitation. Don’t add fuel to the fire Liv tells Cyrus and he passes it on.

Oh gross. Every single time they insist on making Quinn and Huck a couple, my immediate reaction is YUCK.  They are designated Crazy Couple #3. Huck does not WANT to talk to Quinn. He’s in so much pain, and I understand, cause so am I.  Abby finds out about Liv’s intervention with Cyrus’ advice and tells her she has NO IDEA what’s going on. Crazy Couple #3 have been incesting all over the office. Ewww, a glance at the incest table. You had NO idea Liv.

Southern Fried chicken is making her happy. Cy and Fitz must discuss her behavior. Ugg lady needs to go. The US needs their FLOTUS.  But she is soooo past fixing the administration… “This is ALL about yooooouuuuuuu! The Fitz Grant show!” Giggle, giggle, fried chicken.

Cyrus tries to work his magic… He sits down and grabs a chicken leg. He a vegetarian and will die of a heart attack, so at least he’ll be with James. But its not the same, says Mellie. I resent that, he says. Its not less, but its different. He’s broken at the loss of the love of his life. Its all cruelty. She won’t go. She needs a shampoo. And “we are NOT the same”, says Mellie.  Comparing grief is never a good idea.

David and Abby are in her office at the White House drilling him on his hearing for Attorney General. He needs to get in for all our sakes.

Crazy Couple #2 being babysat by Crazy Couple #3. They reminisce about how they met, when they still loved each other. The POW thing was a great boon, and then the shooting happened. Something changed them.

Eyebrows in Cyrus office. She found the planted evidence from Harrison’s attempt to blackmail David two seasons ago.  The domestic abuse with the wife who didn’t really do it.  And she’s sorry, not sorry.  David is annoyed with Liv because she always gets what she wants. She wins because she is not loyal, and David is gonna win. THE FILES are how he’s gonna win. The B16 files that he is gonna use to BLACKMAIL the committee!!! David’s white hat is a little gray right now. Eyebrows is not happy.

Is Cyrus trolling for strange? At a bar, he meets an attractive guy who hits on him, but he can’t yet. His husband just died. What is this guys deal? Everyone has a deal.  His deal is Eyebrows.  She is setting Cyrus up and will out him to the party, clearly. Guy is a “sex worker” in the PC parlance, and Cyrus backs off.  For now.  They are playing the LONG game.

HUCK IS DRUNK!! CC#3 has stuff to work out. Quinn can’t mind her damned business and they are arguing about Huck’s family while CC#2 are getting their screw on. Literally. Forget the president and gun control;James is DONE. Liv arrives to find crazy going down.  She tries to manage Huck, but he’s not having it.  He only saw his family a couple of times, but that seems like more than enough. Quinn shouldn’t have told him, but her nose is never on her face cause its in everyones business.

Cyrus is concerned about everything – Mellie’s mental state, Fitz’s legacy – but not Liv. And Liv is gonna fix this. CC#2 can get a divorce and Liv will fix it, but get on they must deliver and be on stage!!! Uggs is sitting on the terrace and Abby pops up to fix it? Mellie knows who she is and doesn’t care. Children die, Mrs. Grant. Oh, this is such a Pope speech. Jackie O was able to grieve and do her job, but so can you. She leaves Ugg lady after getting an unfun Ugg face.

Olivia escorts CC#2 to Congress for the SotU address. Abby and Prez walk in and he CLEARS the room. What does she think of his speech, he needs to know. She owes him. And of course, she fixes it. Be honest about Mellie and the family. My family and I have been through something terrible. She is THERE and she is shampooed…. ABBY did it. And they are back.

Solid episode, but we are only two episodes in.  The turn up will come Gladiators.  Until next week!